1 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,836 God ! Some people are short-tempered, aren't they ? 2 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:44,239 Yeah. Well, about four or five thousand of them by the looks of things. 3 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:46,174 Oh, but it's wonderful, Eddie. 4 00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:49,873 All the local communities are out there on the streets... 5 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:55,420 - Beating the shit out of each other. - Yeah ! Oh, I love carnival time ! 6 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,285 Ooh ! Look at that policeman over there ! 7 00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:01,417 - Which one ? - The one jumping around, waving his arms. 8 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,791 - The one that's on fire ? - Yeah. 9 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:06,626 He's got no one to blame but himself. 10 00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,792 It was him that started it all by appealing for calm. 11 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:13,064 Was it ? Provocative bastard ! 12 00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:17,142 What's the point in a carnival if you can't get your shopping done ? 13 00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:21,146 - Whoa ! - Nice one ! 14 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,875 - Ah, it's great... - Yeah. 15 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,111 - Did you see the floats ? - I flushed it ! 16 00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,186 No, no, no. 17 00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:34,293 No, no... Oh, look ! Here come the Nazis ! 18 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:37,260 Hooray ! That should get things going again ! 19 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,293 They're going into the Lamb and Flag ! 20 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,666 Oh, yeah, thought so. Dick's throwing them out. 21 00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:49,332 No ! The police are throwing them back in ! 22 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:53,435 Now, that's just stupid ! That's mindless ! That's antisocial, that is ! 23 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:56,572 - What ? - Throwing those bottles about like that. 24 00:01:56,716 --> 00:02:00,914 - No, no, Eddie. They're empties. - Oh ! Well, that's all right, then. 25 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:04,922 You get stuck in, mate ! Have one on me ! 26 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,996 That'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. 27 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,532 Oh, look ! There's Father O'Malley ! 28 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,272 Nice shooting, Father. 29 00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:23,603 - Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he ? - Yeah. 30 00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:26,871 - He should put his clothes back on. - Yeah. 31 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:30,380 Mind you, it's that that's frightened off the Nazis. 32 00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:34,146 What ? Oh ! Have they gone ? Aww ! 33 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,753 Wahey ! 34 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:46,161 You know, I think these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riot. 35 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:50,201 I know, I know. They are bloody marvellous, aren't they ? 36 00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:56,934 - Well done ! - Marvellous ! Best part of the show so far ! 37 00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:59,636 Encore ! 38 00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:05,012 - That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop. - Yeah. Fatty threw the petrol bomb. 39 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:09,281 I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday. Same every year. 40 00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:12,550 Yeah, it'll be drinks on him again tonight. 41 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,456 Oh, look. Here come the fire brigade. 42 00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:21,665 - Fatty's stopped them. - He's having a word. 43 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:25,669 - Money's changing hands... - And they're off again. 44 00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:30,770 He must be going for the full rebuild this year. 45 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:35,540 And just in the nick of time, too. I was getting a bit peckish. 46 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:41,946 You know, that's what I love about this country - tradition. 47 00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:47,754 I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us ! 48 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:53,332 I know. It's shocking, isn't it ? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it. 49 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:58,802 I mean, look at that, Eddie ! Half of London's alight ! 50 00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:01,771 That's British craftsmanship, that is. 51 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,103 Oh, look ! 52 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,611 There's the primary school Postman Pat float ! 53 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,113 They've made a little van and everything ! 54 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,512 Aah ! 55 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:14,586 Aw, look, look ! They're ram-raiding the off-license. 56 00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:19,815 Bless 'em. They're too young to know, aren't they ? 57 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,154 - What ? - That you've done it already ! 58 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:26,925 Yep, well, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to beat Uncle Eddie ! 59 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:32,967 Well, it's as I always say, the carnival is a marvellous business opportunity. 60 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,666 Would you like me to toast your marshmallows ? 61 00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:43,541 Oh, I see what you mean ! Oh, yes, marvellous. Get on with it. 62 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:47,119 Right, we'll just wait for the window of Currys to blow, 63 00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:49,744 then we'll pop out and do a bit of shopping. 64 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:53,916 There's a 28-inch, surround sound TV with FastText, FST, Nicam 65 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:58,793 and loads of bollocks that nobody understands, that I've had my eye on. 66 00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:02,367 - A bit overdone. - Right. Shopping list, shopping list. 67 00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,130 - I'll grab hold of my ballpoint. - Ooh-er ! 68 00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:11,905 Oh, no. Richie. No time for crap double entendres, Currys' window's just blown. 69 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,378 - They've just thrown Aswad through it. - Have they ? 70 00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:20,248 Right. Banzai, baby ! Balaclavas on and let's go shopping. 71 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:38,666 - You dropped it ! - I was being run over by the riot squad ! 72 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:41,706 Well, two wrongs don't make a right, young man. 73 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:45,743 Being run over doesn't mean you can smash a television. 74 00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:50,281 I could have been watching Sophie Grigson washing a cucumber or anything ! 75 00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:53,908 - She's married. - I know ! To the wrong bloke. 76 00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:57,113 Still, at least we got the duck. 77 00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:00,123 - The duck ? - Yeah ! 78 00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:03,524 It's made out of plastic ! 79 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:08,362 Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck ? 80 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:11,470 It floats in the bath. 81 00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,198 - Hello ! - But why ? 82 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,774 - It's hollow ! - No... 83 00:06:19,912 --> 00:06:22,881 - Why the duck ? - It came free with the telly. 84 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:28,383 Eddie, everything came free with the telly. We were looting ! 85 00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:32,423 - Why didn't you get a free telly ?! - It'd sink in the bath ! 86 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:46,999 - Well, what else did you get ? - I got a free police baton. 87 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,631 Ooh ! Interesting. Let's have a look. 88 00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:53,678 Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it. 89 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:59,374 - Nasty. - Yeah, it's one of those new long ones... 90 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,510 with the side handle. 91 00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:04,487 It's playing merry hell with my liver. 92 00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:07,923 - Nasty ! - Anyway, never mind. How did you get on ? 93 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,585 Well, not bad, not bad. 94 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,563 Boots was a bit crowded... 95 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:18,898 and WH Smith's was jammed and, er... on fire a bit. 96 00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,029 There was a lot of blood in C and A's... 97 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,971 Hmm ! 98 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:29,772 Anyway, I popped into the post office on me way home to take some money out. 99 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:34,785 It was a nightmare in there ! You should have seen the queue ! 100 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:41,292 By the time I got to the front, there was nothing left - no counter, no grill. 101 00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:45,693 Tell me something new. I mean, Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable ! 102 00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,426 Well, I have heard that. Mmm, mmm. 103 00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:54,472 - Oh, go on. Have another Hobnob ! - Oh, you are evil ! 104 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:58,339 Don't you start on me ! 105 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,107 Ooh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it ? 106 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,478 No, I'm not that pervy. 107 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:09,948 - Are you not ? - Did you see the Semolina-U-Like ? 108 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:13,752 - Such a mess ! - What can you do ? 109 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,827 - I don't know. - I blame the TV. 110 00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:20,194 - I blame that Channel Tunnel. - I blame those sprouts we had yesterday. 111 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,858 I think I'll make a fresh pot of tea. 112 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,994 This one's been here for three months. 113 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:28,299 Count me in. 114 00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:35,671 - How did you get on, Eddie ? - Well, I was leaving the Body Shop - 115 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:38,841 and there were a lot of bodies in there - 116 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:42,921 and I thought I'd nip to the greengrocers 117 00:08:43,055 --> 00:08:48,152 and loot a few pounds of broccoli florets, and you'll never guess what. 118 00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:51,161 - What ? - We've been burgled ! 119 00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:56,564 Well, you may have been, young man, but I'm so tightly clenched, that... 120 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,227 Oh ! Burgled ! 121 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,637 There was 156 cases of Malibu there ! 122 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:07,610 156 ! That was going to see me through to the weekend ! 123 00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:12,013 - Bastards ! Call the police ! - It's carnival time. They're all on fire ! 124 00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:16,144 - Bastards ! - Try and be a bit more Buddhist about it. 125 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:19,315 Bastards ! Bastards ! Bastards ! 126 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:24,157 If it wasn't for the other 36 cases upstairs I'd be really angry. 127 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,323 Right ! I'm going to write to my MP. 128 00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:32,096 - Why ? - Because I love her ! 129 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,799 Eddie, Tony Blair is a man ! 130 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,968 - She's not ! She's not ! - She is ! She is ! 131 00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:42,171 - She's not ! She's not ! - Quiet ! 132 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,112 Spectacles. 133 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,387 Spectacles back on. 134 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:51,081 Now calm down about Tony Blair. 135 00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:54,249 And anyway, fret ye not, me old amigo, 136 00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:58,762 because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, 137 00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:03,267 I think you'll find something down there that'll put a smile on your face. 138 00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:06,132 - What ? You mean... ? - Yes. 139 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,866 - Sharon Stone ? - Ye... No ! 140 00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:12,842 Sharon Stone, with a sort of "Where's Eddie ?" expression on her face, 141 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:16,005 - wearing nothing but a honey sandwich ? - No. 142 00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:17,672 - A jam sandwich ! - No. 143 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:21,617 - Got it ! It's a kebab, isn't it ? - It's not a kebab, Eddie ! 144 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:26,714 Sharon Stone, painted green, vacuum-packed, with the "Racing Post" sticking out her bum ! 145 00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,690 Shut up ! 146 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,754 Shut up ! 147 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:43,267 - Come in. - Shut up, you sick, depraved Eddie de Sade ! 148 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:46,139 I've told you not to tell me your deviant fantasies ! 149 00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:50,874 Oh, God, I won't be able to sleep tonight. I won't be able to see by morning ! 150 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:53,781 Think Kenneth Clark, Richie. Just think Kenneth Clark. 151 00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:57,116 Kenneth Clark... Kenneth Clark... Kenneth Clark... 152 00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:01,352 Kenneth Clark... John Selwyn Gummer ! 153 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,621 Oh, it's gone. 154 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,924 I'd forgotten about that ! Look at this ! 155 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:13,268 Wrong one ! Take a look at this ! 156 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,641 Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ! 157 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,040 What do you think ? 158 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:25,447 - How did you get all that in your trousers ? - Well, there's plenty of room... sadly. 159 00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:29,884 - Where did you get it ? - Well, I found it in a BBC van. 160 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,981 It was just lying there, so I took it. I pay my license fee. 161 00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:37,755 - No, you don't. - Yeah, but they don't know that. 162 00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:40,559 - Master criminal ! - Thanks, Eddie. 163 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:45,797 Right, this is the plan. We are going to make our own movies, right ? 164 00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:49,237 We'll get famous and get our pick of the birds. 165 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:50,808 Oh ! 166 00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:53,741 Right ! Let's make "9� Weeks". 167 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,679 No ! No ! "Nude Birds Go Upstairs To Eddie's Bedroom !" 168 00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:01,048 No. No, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come back. 169 00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:05,783 Honestly, you're so naif, aren't you ? It's far more wily, my plan. 170 00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:10,385 Far more wily than that. OK, who is the sexiest man on TV ? 171 00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:14,966 - Well, Kilroy, obviously. - Of course, of course. Kilroy. 172 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:21,665 I'm going to make my very own prime time current affairs discussion programme. 173 00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:27,674 That's right. You heard me right the first time. Pretty crafty, eh ? 174 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:31,249 If that doesn't get me sauced, then I'm a Dutchman ! 175 00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:34,147 - Hilloo, Jacob ! - Hilloo ! 176 00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,449 Orangeboome, clog, dyke, windmill... 177 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,421 Shit ! 178 00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:51,067 - Action ! - Hello and good morning. 179 00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:55,105 Should traffic wardens be armed ? In the stu... 180 00:13:01,914 --> 00:13:04,474 I'm stuck ! 181 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:08,644 Oh, God, you bastard, Eddie ! Why do you never flush the toilet ? 182 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:12,121 That was fantastic, Richie ! 183 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:18,322 We could send it to "Jeremy Beadle's Hilarious Violent Domestic Incidents". 184 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:23,424 Come on, let's do it again, and this time I'll turn the camera on. 185 00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:26,834 We could make a fortune out of this ! 186 00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:37,042 - Money ? - Yeah, if you really hurt yourself, 187 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,276 you can win up to �1,000 ! 188 00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:43,787 - Really ? - Everybody loves a near-death experience. 189 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:47,359 Eddie ! I think we may have found our milieu. 190 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,189 - Shall I get a mop ? - I'm a genius ! 191 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:54,265 We've got a camcorder, we just record an hilarious accident. 192 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,995 - What about an dog ? - An dog on an skateboard ? 193 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:03,006 An dog on an skateboard that accidentally hangs itself and then catches fire ! 194 00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:07,408 This is good, Eddie. This is epic. This idea is catching fire. Right ! 195 00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:10,709 Casting ! Casting ! Get me some dogs ! 196 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,546 Casting, get me dogs and some jodhpurs 197 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,747 and an eye patch and a casting couch... with a nudey bird on it... 198 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,950 major jugs... I mean, MAJOR jugs... 199 00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:25,723 No ! Scratch ! Eddie, I've got it ! It HAS to be a wedding ! 200 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:30,063 We've gotta move with the market. It's the '80s. Right. 201 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:34,434 I need to find a bird, marry her, suddenly have friends for the reception, 202 00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:38,634 then suddenly, at the dance afterwards - bam ! - Someone accidentally falls over ! 203 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:42,042 Or you could accidentally catch a dart in your head. 204 00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:48,450 - You may have something there, Eddie. - Yeah, I think it's syphilis. 205 00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:51,181 Everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they ? 206 00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:53,791 That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers ! 207 00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:57,020 - I mean, toddlers falling off trikes. - Pah ! 208 00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:03,101 This is the real stuff. The cutting edge of family video accidents. Let's do it ! 209 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,903 Just another ordinary day in my kitchen. 210 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:16,447 I hope to goodness gracious me no viciously hilarious accidents happen. 211 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,607 - Oh, Marjorie ? - Yes, dear ? 212 00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:27,917 Cut ! Cut ! Cut ! The dart's in the eye ! 213 00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:32,427 - Yeah, I can see that ! - That's not funny. That's just an accident ! 214 00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:36,627 Reset to go again, everyone. Oh, I'm the only one here. 215 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,169 Oh, all right. I'll do it all myself. 216 00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:41,535 Oh, God ! 217 00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:48,377 Now catch it in your forehead, darling. You're not indispensable, you know ? 218 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,744 Go again ! 219 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,118 Right, here we go. This is the BAFTA. 220 00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:59,747 Try and enjoy it, Eddie. And... 221 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:02,822 ...action. 222 00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:07,754 La-la-la-la-la-la-la 223 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,028 Just another ordinary day in my kitchen... 224 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,866 except I've lost the sight in one eye. 225 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:19,376 I hope to goodness gracious nothing horribly amusing happens today. 226 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,471 Oh, Marjorie ? 227 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,074 Yes, dear ? 228 00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,055 Come along ! Come along ! 229 00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:36,321 Oh ! Drat ! Those pesky kids ! 230 00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,522 Oh, dear ! I feel all dizzy now. 231 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:45,103 I hope I don't fall into this frying pan full of hot burning fat. 232 00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:52,908 Oh, bollocks. I'm all inflammable now. 233 00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:54,945 Matches ? Matches ? 234 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:59,276 Come on, Eddie. We're losing the audience. 235 00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:03,514 Oh, no. Out of the frying pan, into the fire. 236 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:05,384 Genius ! Now the window ! 237 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,721 Oh, God. Someone's left the window open. 238 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:13,662 No, someone hasn't. Well, I still hope I don't fall out of it. 239 00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,638 - How was it, then ? - Eddie... 240 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,576 You were fabulous ! 241 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,482 Just, just, just, just, just, just... 242 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:39,182 Just astonishing ! I mean, I cried. 243 00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:43,593 - YOU cried ? - Yeah. I cried... 244 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,597 when I realised we hadn't put the tape in. 245 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:51,100 The tape wasn't in the camera ? 246 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:53,170 ...ish. 247 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:58,075 Does that mean there's a sort of problem with the recording ? 248 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:04,449 - We will have to go again. - What ? Back to Casualty ? 249 00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:10,281 You are a funny guy ! 250 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,282 - Now, come on, darling. Time is money. - I've retired. 251 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:18,760 Back on your feet, ducky ! A blank tape's no good to me... 252 00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:23,231 Wait a minute ! That's it ! That's the joke ! 253 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:29,864 No one's tried that before ! "Dear Beadle, I was filming my wife accidentally... 254 00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:34,069 "sewing her head to the curtains, when suddenly, joke on joke, 255 00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:37,011 "I realised I hadn't put the tape in the camera ! 256 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:41,586 "Take a look at this blank cassette. I think you'll agree hilarity prevails ! 257 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,281 "Please make the cheque out to Richard Richard." It's brilliant ! 258 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,915 Eddie, we'd better make sure it's blank. 259 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:52,190 - Oh, no ! We haven't got a video ! - Don't be stupid, Richie. 260 00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:55,664 I picked up 17 this morning. There's 43 in the attic. 261 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,133 Fantastic ! Can you wire them up ? 262 00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:02,206 You betcha, matey ! Step to one side. 263 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,606 Seems ages since the carnival. 264 00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:13,081 Yeah, must be about a week now. 265 00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,777 How's the video coming along ? 266 00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:19,356 Almost unwrapped. 267 00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:22,819 Oh. Another wire. 268 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,953 Mmm... a white one. 269 00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:31,464 Over the hills we go, laughing all the way... 270 00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:35,232 Hey, Rich ! That's it ! She's ready to go ! 271 00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,741 Oh, marvellous ! At last ! 272 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:43,075 - Now, installation instructions. - What ?! 273 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,214 Number one... 274 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,823 He rattled his maracas close to me 275 00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,293 - Hi, Eddie ! - Oh, hiya, Rich ! 276 00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:00,921 - How was your holiday ? - Oh, it was marvellous ! 277 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,591 Glad to be back. The carnival starts tomorrow. 278 00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:06,898 - How's the video going ? - Well, your timing's impeccable, 279 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:11,999 because I only have to connect the SCART socket up to the LAN connector like so... 280 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:18,083 and She's ready... inside a year ! 281 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:22,210 Sterling work, Eddie. Come on. Let's fire her up ! 282 00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,256 Thanks, Mr Repair Man. Crate of Malibu for cash ? 283 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:35,128 - That'll do nicely. - And, er... watch out for the top step ! 284 00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:42,865 - Gets them every time ! - Yeah ! Give me five, Eddie ! 285 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:50,646 Yeah, they're great, these American things. 286 00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:55,142 Right ! All set. Slap in the cassette and check it's blank. 287 00:20:55,287 --> 00:21:00,554 This is it, Eddie. We'll be frolicking in vodka-flavoured clover from here on in. 288 00:21:00,692 --> 00:21:03,525 There you go. Completely blan... 289 00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:06,495 Hey, hang on. What's that ? 290 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:09,533 It's a room. I don't recognise that. 291 00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:14,662 - It's not in our house, is it ? - Hold up. Who's that coming in ? 292 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:19,903 It's the Prime Minister ! Stand up, Eddie, for God's sake ! 293 00:21:20,045 --> 00:21:22,036 Salute ! 294 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:27,216 That's enough of that. Good afternoon, sir. 295 00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:31,413 Eddie, put a doily on the telly or something, for Christ's sake ! 296 00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:34,726 Sorry, sir. Carry on. 297 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:38,990 Is, er... Is that his bedroom, do you think ? 298 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,326 Oh, very much so, I believe, yes. 299 00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:46,301 This is obviously an informal walk about the prime ministerial private apartments. 300 00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:48,770 Well, it's very informal, isn't it ? 301 00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:52,001 He's taking his shirt off now ! 302 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,636 Yes, well... The Prime Minster's nipples. 303 00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,209 It's a great honour, sir. 304 00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:05,790 - It's obviously very hot. - He's obviously got a hot todger, as well. 305 00:22:05,924 --> 00:22:08,552 Hang on. Who's she ? 306 00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:11,356 Oh, that must be his mummy. 307 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:14,590 Yes, it's obviously the Prime Minister's bedtime. 308 00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:16,997 Oh, I see. 309 00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:22,865 That is very unusual behaviour, isn't it ? 310 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:28,344 Maybe she's just chaining him to the bed in case he falls off. 311 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,311 Yes, yes, yes, that must be it. 312 00:22:30,449 --> 00:22:34,647 Look. She's very hot, too. Look. She's taking her dress off. 313 00:22:34,786 --> 00:22:39,917 Oh, look ! She's brought him a little present ! 314 00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:44,188 What is that ? A sort of model of a moon rocket, isn't it ? 315 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:47,230 Whoa ! 316 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:53,032 - What did she stick it in there for ?! - Maybe she's taking his temperature. 317 00:22:54,139 --> 00:22:57,597 Yes, that must be it. Yes, yes. He's obviously ill, yes. 318 00:22:57,743 --> 00:23:01,873 - Well, that would be why he's so hot. - Yes ! Yes, of course. 319 00:23:02,013 --> 00:23:07,645 I mean, look at the poor little mite, he's groaning and thrashing around the place. 320 00:23:07,786 --> 00:23:10,721 He's obviously got a very high fever... 321 00:23:10,856 --> 00:23:15,418 and that's why she's sucking the poison out of him. 322 00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:25,230 I wish I had a mum like that. 323 00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:33,706 Yeah, that's right ! Thrash the fever out of him ! 324 00:23:33,845 --> 00:23:37,781 He's saying something, Eddie. Turn the sound up. 325 00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:41,750 - I think it's mute. - You can lipread. What's he saying ? 326 00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:44,254 "Oh, yes. 327 00:23:44,389 --> 00:23:47,085 "Oh, yes ! 328 00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:48,692 "Oh, yes ! 329 00:23:48,827 --> 00:23:50,089 "Oh, yes ! 330 00:23:50,228 --> 00:23:53,026 "Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! YES ! 331 00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:54,564 "OH, YES ! 332 00:23:54,699 --> 00:23:57,497 "OH, YEEEES ! ! 333 00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,160 "Aaah." 334 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:04,837 Oh, yes. He's calmed down a bit now. 335 00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:07,536 Hang on. Who's she ? 336 00:24:07,679 --> 00:24:11,137 That must be his auntie. 337 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,446 She's very friendly, isn't she ? 338 00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:18,750 - I think they must be sisters. - Yes, that'll be it. 339 00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:20,983 - Don't sit there ! - She can't have seen him ! 340 00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:23,526 He'll suffocate ! 341 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:29,225 I can't think that that's hygienic. 342 00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:34,229 - Eddie ? - Yeah ? 343 00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:39,935 Is it just me, or do you sense a slight sexual undercurrent to this ? 344 00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:46,108 You don't suppose that what we're witnessing here is Prime Minister's perving about 345 00:24:46,251 --> 00:24:51,211 in a career-threatening once-in-a-lifetime blackmailing opportunity 346 00:24:51,356 --> 00:24:55,793 for two wily old desperadoes like us time ? 347 00:24:56,962 --> 00:24:59,658 - Where's the phone ? - Stand back ! 348 00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:07,163 Hello ! Get me the Prime Minister ! Because I want to blackmail him... 349 00:25:07,305 --> 00:25:09,967 Richard Richard... Ooh, shit ! 350 00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:16,213 I accidentally gave my name away. You'll have to phone using an assumed name. 351 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,044 Right you are. 352 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,620 Yes, hello. I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister. 353 00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:25,188 Er, Richard Richard. 354 00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:28,884 You stupid idiot, Eddie ! You bloody fool ! 355 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:33,225 - They'll be on to us now ! - Oh, don't talk bollocks, Richie ! 356 00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:35,230 It'll take them weeks to find us ! 357 00:25:37,969 --> 00:25:40,233 Hello ? It's the police ! 358 00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:48,074 Yes ? 359 00:25:50,515 --> 00:25:53,678 They say we're surrounded by the SAS. It's a siege ! 360 00:25:53,818 --> 00:25:58,187 - We've got to think fast ! - Well, that's us knackered, then, isn't it ? 361 00:25:58,323 --> 00:26:01,952 - Yeah, well, should we give in now ? - Oh ! No ! Sandwiches ! 362 00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:05,995 It's a siege, right ? We could eat like kings ! 363 00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:09,259 Good thinking, Eddie. Leave this to me. 364 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,800 Hello ? 365 00:26:10,936 --> 00:26:13,461 What kind of sandwiches do you do ? 366 00:26:13,605 --> 00:26:15,596 Sandwiches ! 367 00:26:17,943 --> 00:26:22,437 They say they don't do sandwiches, they're a highly-trained anti-terrorist organisation. 368 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:26,449 Well, they're talking to the wrong bloke ! I want three egg, two crab paste 369 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:30,316 and one avocado and black pudding with ketchup... and a can of Tizer ! 370 00:26:30,455 --> 00:26:33,583 Let's start getting heavy ! 371 00:26:33,725 --> 00:26:35,750 Did you get all that ? 372 00:26:35,894 --> 00:26:39,625 - Yeah ? Yeah... Yeah... Hah ! - What does he say ? 373 00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:42,756 Throw out the cassette or he'll kill us immediately. 374 00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:45,461 All right. Well, let's start negotiating downwards. 375 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,573 What about Ritz crackers, Twiglets, those cheesy things ? 376 00:26:48,707 --> 00:26:50,402 OK, leave it to me, Eddie. 377 00:26:50,542 --> 00:26:54,000 Hello. We take your point on the sandwiches. 378 00:26:54,145 --> 00:26:57,080 What's your position on canap�s ? 379 00:26:57,215 --> 00:27:01,845 Oh. Oh, damn. I suppose a helicopter's out of the question, is it ? 380 00:27:01,987 --> 00:27:05,753 Oh, what about a nudey evening with Carol Barnes, the popular newsreader ? 381 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:10,327 Look ! Half a Curly-Wurly and a packet of Love Hearts is me final offer ! 382 00:27:14,232 --> 00:27:17,998 Circumstances can change awfully quickly these days, can't they ? 383 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:21,105 Well, this is the '70s, after all, Eddie. 384 00:27:21,239 --> 00:27:23,332 - Ooh ! 385 00:27:25,777 --> 00:27:29,372 Hello ? 4444444 ? It's them again ! 386 00:27:31,783 --> 00:27:34,980 Yes, hello, the colander. 387 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:38,055 Yes, we got your hint. Eddie, throw down the video. 388 00:27:38,189 --> 00:27:40,589 Right you are. 389 00:27:46,564 --> 00:27:51,558 - What does he say ? - He says..."Ow ! Go, A-Squad." 390 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:55,803 - "Go, A-Squad" ?! - "Go, A-Squad" ! 391 00:28:02,781 --> 00:28:04,772 Oh, shit !